Let's shrink their insanity

The best place for certain people is the psychiatrist's couch, or a padded cell

Rupa Gulab
One of my resolutions for 2006 is to work much harder towards making the world a better place. So, henceforth, I will walk to work and back to conserve energy at the cost of depleting my chi. I will always carry a spycam when I visit government offices in order to rid my country of bribe-takers and cash-for-questions opportunists. And, most important, I will recommend therapy for certain people who run India and the world in the fond hope that Planet Earth really will become a better place.

George W Bush: I wasn't surprised when, in the promos for Desperate Housewives, the charming Laura Bush confessed that she could completely identify with the popular soap because she's a desperate housewife herself. My heart goes out to the poor baby. Hell, if I were married to Dubya, I'd be desperate too. What can you say to a man who suffers from delusions, seeing weapons of mass destruction where there are none? "It's just an ordinary desert mirage, hon", won't do the trick. When you're sick, you need more than common sense to sort you out. I suspect he's started treatment already because, these days he says (in an earnest Honest-Ed-Used-Car-Salesman voice) that he may have been wrong about the existence of WMDs. But a half-hearted apology ain't good enough. What Bush needs is a permanent cure so we'd better hurry up and pin him down on a therapy couch before he starts imagining other bizarre things that could lead to an Armageddon.

And while on the subject of Bush, an aside: I'm glad he's started literally bugging the Americans. This may make them finally want to pest control the White House. Serves them right for re-electing him.

Tony Blair: Instead of consulting US presidents, he should consult Cherie's psychic. Or, better still, an exorcist to release his inner poodle. That may well make him a better watchdog for his country. No more, "Sit, stay, roll over, play Bush." And he'd better get going, because the new Tory leader David Cameron has already begun to charm the Brits by NOT JUST kissing his wife after his victory speech but saying those 3 little schmaltzy words to her over a public address system: "I love you". (Now you know why I keep a stock of airline-pinched barf bags handy when I read/watch the news).

LK Advani: Ooh, I absolutely adore the New Year present the VHP gave me — Advani's resignation as BJP president at trident-point. As I write this, he's in the process of handing over to his successor. His ego must be about the size of a grain of salt now. Add to this his existing senility, and you will realise that this man needs to communicate with Freud via an ouija board for help. Nothing less will do.

Uma Bharti: This sassy sanyasin needs a course in Anger Management to get back on the political track. Whenever she shoots her mouth off, she shoots herself in the foot. Instead of counting to 10 before she explodes, she should count the population of India and China combined. Or else she's a likely candidate for a padded cell, instead of an airy cave in the Himalayas. I have an irrelevant question now: The woman goes on so many protest marches, how come she still looks like a before picture in a weight loss ad?

Suicide bombers: All of them across the world, not just RDX Laden and the Macabre Death Wish Band. Sounds like the name of a hugely popular heavy metal group doesn't it? There's one question they should ask themselves before they strap the explosives on: If this really is the ultimate sacrifice one can make for god/the country/the cause/etc, how come their smooth talking leaders aren't queuing up for explosive back packs? It may make the poor saps reconsider and enrol as case study subjects for shrinks. There's good money in that, too. And they can stay alive to enjoy it.

My list is endless but I do not wish to kill another innocent tree in my attempt to better the world. Have a great New Year!

Rupa takes an irreverent look at the world's most powerful people