Plane scared

Rupa Gulab

Earlier, flying cockroaches were the only things in the world that made me tremble with fear. Now it’s flying machines. I don’t think I’ll be using my passport for a long time. Not just because I’m scared that terrorists will take over the aircraft and fly me direct to the pearly gates of heaven. What worries me more is that, horror of horrors, I may be mistaken for a terrorist myself.

I’ve been hyperventilating ever since 12 innocent Indian passengers were offloaded from a northwest aircraft at Amsterdam's Schiphol Airport on the grounds of suspicious behaviour. If I had been frog-marched off an aircraft with accusing glares following me, I’d have died of shame before the interrogation even began. Really.

I’ve drawn up a list of instructions for my family and friends who risk arrest by flying to international destinations on work assignments. One can’t very well tell one’s boss, “Sorry, but I’m not willing to be handcuffed and humiliated for perpetrating a biological attack on board in case I sneeze.” This list is to help ensure that they do not arouse the suspicions of nervous non-Asian fellow passengers and equally jittery airline crew.

• Do go on a liquid-free diet on a long-haul flight to avoid repeated trips to the rest room. If you’re spotted walking up and down the aisle too often, people will not assume that you’re a fitness freak or have drunk too much beer. The age of innocence is over. You can make up for your abstinence by splurging at duty-free liquor shops after you land.

• Do not read a detective novel on board the aircraft, in case you’re the impatient sort who cannot resist the urge to go to the last page of the book to find out who dun it. If you read anything backwards, people may think you’re reading a holy text under a fake cover and hit the panic button. Stick to self-help books by new age gurus instead. They’ll put you to sleep almost instantly and keep you out of trouble.

• If you suffer from claustrophobia and are stuck between two XXL passengers, do not change your seat without informing a flight attendant first. Please. Do you want to be stifled to death in a dark, dank solitary cell or make it safely to your destination even if you’re somewhat squashed and breathless?

• This is particularly for women who like to look good when they land: with carry-aboard restrictions in force for cosmetics too, it makes sense to invest in long-lasting lipsticks, eyeliners, eyeshadows, blush on, the works. Go on, slather on extra, just in case. So what if you look like a woman of ill-repute. That may well work in your favour, because women like that are not associated with terrorist types.

• Do remember what your mum and teachers always reprimanded you about when you were a child: Stop fiddling!!! Yes, please stop fiddling. Especially with your cell phone/laptop/iPod. Do not touch them overly much or else someone may think they are detonators, have a fit and explode. The same goes for your in-flight cutlery (even if it’s plastic). These are seen as weapons of mass destruction too.

• If you’re travelling with a companion, do modulate your voice suitably. If you talk too loudly people may think you’re over excitable and therefore of unsound mind and therefore a nasty terrorist (logical conclusion these days). On the other hand, if you talk in hushed whispers they’ll think you’re plotting something dastardly.

• Of course, by far the best thing to do is, try not to breathe if you can. If your fellow passengers think you’re dead, they won’t be scared of you. Hallelujah.