What’s biting us?

Thanks to the vastly entertaining diction trainers of the All India Pilots Association, I always think of Union Health Minister Anbumani Ramadoss when I fly. Not throughout the duration of the flight, please no, but only when the announcement, ‘Cabin crew amaldoss’ comes on (for those who haven’t yet cracked the code, the translation is ‘Cabin crew, arm all doors’). These days, however, whenever I hear a particularly sick joke, he

comes to my mind. Remember these old Knock Knock jokes?

Knock!  Knock! Who’s there? Amos.

Amos who? A mosquito.

Knock! Knock!  Who’s there? Ann.

Ann who? Another mosquito.

With dengue and chikungunya outbreaks in various parts of the country, Ramadoss has been mouthing the usual ‘I am doing everything in my power’ line for cameras, looking suitably earnest. ‘Do not panic’, he urged us even when, omigosh, doctors at AIIMS were being diagnosed with dengue. And then, he promptly went against his own advice and broke into a sweat after Prime Minister Manmohan Singh’s grandchildren were admitted to hospital with dengue symptoms.  While I’m very sorry for them, I will say this:  If such high-profile patients don’t get an army of fogging machines out on the job in the country, I fear nothing will. The death count is rising and we are living up to our sad reputation of being a nation where human life is cheap.  

Every time I slap a mosquito off my arms, I get a powerful urge to slap a lawsuit on the health ministry chaps. Mosquito-related ailments are not new to us. And, as everyone knows, with any

ailment, prevention is better than cure.  Ramadoss, is evidently aware of this maxim, seeing that he’s championed a ban on on-screen smoking, lest our children should want to look like Shah Rukh Khan.  So, the message is clear: Ramadoss would much rather we died of mosquito bites than of cancer. Hello, mosquitoes, too, are injurious to our health, Mr Union Health Minister. How come you haven’t done enough groundwork with municipal corporations to prevent mosquito-related illnesses so far? Been too busy settling personal scores with AIIMS

personnel, huh? 

Since our politicians are more interested in their own well-being than ours, I think we

should just get on with the job ourselves. ‘Please don’t bring me flowers any more’ is my new theme song. All my potential mosquito-breeding vases are under lock and key and flowers are left to die in their cellophane wrapping. Hey, better them than my family. Well, much more than Ramadoss, at any rate. If he doesn’t watch out, he’ll inspire an epidemic of more Knock Knock jokes, like this pathetic one, for example:

Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Yama.

Yama who? Yamadoss.

I have a plan to shame him into doing more for us than merely giving tired sound bytes

 and visiting hospitals with TV crews in tow. I intend to pitch this to certain English news channels, the ones that always beseech us to light

candles to show our support for issues. So

how about if they exhort us to light candles in

the shape of human figures outside Ramadoss’ house? The same as the number of dengue/chikungunya cases reported in the country this year? And to keep adding to them as the cases multiply? With daily live footage of some celeb type grimly snuffing them out, one by one, as the death toll rises?

Meanwhile, if you have any money to

invest, put it in companies that manufacture

mosquito mats, coils, liquids, nets, the works. Quite like the mosquitoes, you’re guaranteed to make a killing