Dubious Achievement Awards 2006

Well, 2006 is finally over and while there are a lot of things I’d like to forget about the year (the horrifying Mumbai bomb blasts, for one), there are a few people and incidents that will remain embedded in my memory. Till I become senile, of course.  I’d like to thank all the people who made this possible and reward them, in my own little way, for relieving my tedium.  So voila, here are my award-winners… and here’s to Auld Lang Syne!

Most Colourful Character of the Year: Ram Jethmalani
Lawyer Ram Jethmalani didn’t just defend Manu Sharma in the Jessica Lal case. He also spent a lot of precious time defending himself against the media for accepting the case and for making dodgy insinuations about the victim’s character.  No stodgy legalese here (hallelujah), only colourful epithets that would make a sailor’s parrot feel woefully inadequate.  Take one of his most memorable quotes, for example (and I’m not making this up), “That’s @#%! Utter %&$#@*&^!, you *&^@%##!” Hai Ram! But, I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed his media circus. Incidentally, so did my niece, who now thinks it’s cool to be a lawyer.

Damp Squib of the Year: Jaswant Singh
For a few days Jaswant Singh happily crowed, “There’s a mole in your government, dear Manmohan, dear Manmohan, there’s a mole in your government, dear Manmohan, a mole.” However, when the rest of the nation (including Prime Minister Manmohan Singh) lustily sang a repartee, “Then name him, dear Jaswant, dear Jaswant, dear Jaswant, then name him, dear Jaswant, puh-leez name him,” he kept mum. The heat was on, the pressure was building up nicely, but no whistle blowing from this man. Even the aggressive posturing became defensive. Just a little smirk played on his lips, signifying what? That he knew, but couldn’t tell? That if he told us who it was, it would open a can of worms that would implicate his party, too? We’ll never know, will we? So we have no choice but to write it off as nothing more than a fantastic promo for his autobiography, A Call of Honour. Oh well.

Most Deluded Person of the Year: LK Advani
It’s evident that LK Advani didn’t ever want to be an engine driver or a circus clown or any of the usual charming things that little boys aspire to while growing up. He always wanted to be prime minister. And, dear god, though he’s almost a century older now, he still thinks he can be prime minister someday.  And he’s still whining and moaning about the fact that former Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee won’t support his bid. Has he forgotten that there’s a very strong possibility that the RSS and VHP won’t support him, either?  Or humble me, for that matter? Will someone please tell him that Union Railway Minister Laloo Prasad Yadav has a better chance than he? So what if he was formerly known as a nut case; Laloo has now redeemed himself by becoming case-study material at India’s premier management institute. Personally, I think Advani would have made a better engine driver since he’s so passionate about yatras.

Best Fiction Writer of the Year: General Pervez Musharraf
Need I say more?

Total Loser of the Year: Rahul Mahajan
I have to say there were very many contenders for this award (way too many to fit into this page), but this young lad (or should I say cad?) outshone them all. This alleged junkie, alleged drug dealer, alleged wife-beater, alleged spendthrift and, of course, alleged poor misunderstood boy, who is being victimised by nasty anti-BJP types, has really gone the extra mile to earn this alleged award.