Duckwalking at Wagah

Jingoistic and anachronistic rituals still prevail at the subcontinent's most famous border crossing

We're sort of chummy with Pakistan now, right? We're having these nice neighbourly, "May I borrow some rice" conversations and suchlike. Admittedly, we're a long way off from requests like, "May I borrow your AK-47 to exterminate militants" — but even so. And even if we're still not too keen on Kashmir as a holiday spot lest some bored militants decide to adopt us till death do us part, gunshots are not ricocheting as often as they used to in the Valley. The birds, at least, have reason to be happy.

So why is this ridiculous pantomime of hatred still playing to large audiences at the Wagah border checkpost? What happens is this: both, our Border Security Force (BSF) chaps and the Pakistan Rangers, simultaneously lower their flags at sunset. But before they actually get down to the task at hand, they do a fair amount of aggressive posturing. This includes glowering at each other and puffing out their chests like bullies who kick sand into the faces of 98-pound weaklings to impress the chicks. If someone looked at me like that, I'd probably cry for mummy. I almost expected them to demonstrate the terribly impolite finger gesture, too, but, fortunately, that's too Western a concept for us Indians and Pakistanis. I have to confess, though, that I felt cheated that they didn't spit with contempt at each other. Hey, that's allowed, that's in keeping with both our cultures!

All this happens while designated crowd-warmers urge the gobsmacked spectators to cheer for their respective countries. A very childish "one-two-three-four-who-are-we-for" interschool sports atmosphere prevails. And then, after all the histrionics, they (hold your breath) shake hands warmly. What a letdown. And, no, they don't slyly arm-wrestle while they're about it: they actually look quite fond of each other in a grim, martial way.

What is the moral of this story? I've thought long and hard, but all I can come up with is that the people who scripted this whacko ritual were deeply influenced by those touchy-feely articles psychiatrists write for couples: fight by all means but kiss and make up before bed. Maybe those scriptwriters confused the word marital with martial?

Anyway, the fact remains that this silly ritual needs to stop. At the same time, I do understand that the BSF chaps and the Pakistan Rangers need some sort of emotional outlet. I mean, it's not easy standing tall and fiercely proud day after day. They need to let their hair down every now and then. So, keeping their many and varied talents in mind, I have a few proposals: