The year that was

Rupa Gulab Delhi

For the UPA government (okay, okay, the Congress party mainly), 2007 will be remembered as the year that wasn't. It faced obstacles on practically every issue, a lot of unnecessary backtracking happened, and not much was cleared. Nonetheless, some of us agree that although it may not have achieved what it set out to do, it managed to give us something pretty valuable: stability.  While I haven't been listening at bathroom doors, I'm fairly certain that its shower song of the year is Elton John's 'I'm still standing, yeah yeah yeah'!

Now finally, what a handful of you have been waiting for with bated breath — my list of awards for 2007 (fanfare of trumpets). Some of them are terribly dubious, others less so, but all are truly well deserved.

he Most Unlikely Rock Star of the Year Award: APJ Kalam was perhaps the only Indian president with a wildly enthusiastic fan club. And no, it wasn't just his long greasy locks that gave him rock star status. Heck, he didn't even have a music video of himself as a chilled out peacenik wielding a gun with flowers dramatically tucked into the barrel (oh please, that's so last century) — on the contrary, he was a nuke duke. It's not even as though he was the spokesperson for our causes. Hello, we spoke for ourselves with a fantastic new trick we learnt in 2005-2006: lighting candles. But a lot of us loved and respected this easily accessible president, so when it was time for him to pack his bags and leave Rashtrapati Bhawan, a fervent 'Play it again, Kalam' chant was heard over the nation. What a way to go!

The Most Tearful Chefs of the Year Award: The chefs at Rashtrapati Bhawan must have shed bitter tears too, at Kalam's departure — they had it so easy with him because he mainly ate Idly-Sambar (source: prestigious national daily). With his successor Pratibha Patil in place, the tears will continue to flow unchecked, because her favourite dish is — hold your breath — Onion Poha (source: same prestigious national daily). Which brings me to my current source of irritation: Aren't our newspaper reporters going over the top? Yes, yes, I know dieticians keep telling us 'You are what you eat' in the lifestyle sections of the papers, but I think this angle of character analysis is being carried a bit too far. Why can't reporters tell us what politicians read instead, if they really must — that's more dignified, innit?

The Shortest Shadow of the Year Award: When Mayawati breezed in as the new chief minister of Uttar Pradesh, I felt this overpowering urge to envelope her in a bear hug. Not because I'm a feminist, but because that meant that I'd see fewer pictures of Samajwadi party animal Amar Singh looking smug in the papers. All he's reduced to now is being an aged Bollywood star's 12 pm shadow (that's when shadows are vertically challenged, right?). Of course he's still looking annoyingly smug, but I suspect it's just an act — after all, he's learning from a master!

The Newshog of the Year Award: If any astrologer had predicted that 2007 would be the year for the Left Front to hog newsprint, we'd have sniggered. But, as we saw for ourselves as the year unfolded, the Left played out its traditional role of being crushingly autocratic, ruthlessly violent and ridiculously stubborn on the national stage for a change, with spotlights blazing unflatteringly.  Now that they've exposed their true colours to the nation at large, red is our least favourite shade. Possibly the Chinese and the Pakistanis are the only people in the world now who worship India's Left Front for their attempts at nuking India's nuke deal.

The Most Innocuous Insult of the Year Award: Well, well, the furore over chickens in 2007 had nothing to do with the dreaded bird flu — it was (said in hushed tones) more serious. Diplomat Ronen Sen's remark about 'headless chickens', when referring to the hysterical opposition to the nuke deal, ruffled our hypersensitive politicians' feathers and made them squawk in outrage (quite in the manner of headless chickens, when you come to think of it). Anyway, naturally the hypersensitive lot wanted Sen's head in revenge. He's made his formal apology now and actually demeaned his wife in the process — in a feeble attempt at being disarming, he said in his defence, that that's what he calls her when unexpected guests arrive at their front door.  Hey, if I had been his wife, he'd never have dared to have opened that front door!  As I write this, the jury is still out, but I have a feeling the politicians will forgive him. As for his wife — I'm not so sure. Unless she has political ambitions too; or, an inner-Hillary as it's called these days.

The Happiest Policemen of the Year Award: This goes to the members of Mumbai's police force who carry out the orders of Maharashtra Deputy Chief Minister RR Patil (the winner of the Moral Policeman of 2005 Award for banning bar dancers). He was back at it with great gusto when he ordered Mumbai's cops to go through the TV footage of the India-Ozzie T20 match at Wankhede Stadium to discover whether the dancing cheerleaders were (a) scantily clad (b) made obscene gyrations. I can tell you this — the policemen aren't complaining! Hey, their lives have been deathly dull since the hottie bar dancers were forced to become respectable seamstresses.

The Sorest Loser of the Year Award: Charlie Brown, the world's favourite loser, is facing stiff competition in the loser stakes from LK Advani. After the UPA government decided to give in to the Left's wishes on the nuke deal rather than dissolve the government, Advani's long cherished dream of becoming prime minister was dashed to smithereens yet, yet, yet, yet, yet, yet again (gosh, it's been so often, I've lost count).  Unlike the good-natured Charlie Brown though, Advani is a vitriolic loser. Look, I expected him to be bitter, come on, he's been fantasising about this for years, but that unstatesman-like remark about Prime Minister Manmohan Singh running a government on dialysis was uncalled for. As far as I'm concerned, I'd rather have the government in an ICU than my fellow citizens — which, frankly, is where a lot of us would be if Advani ever became prime minister in a pure Hindutva government!  Tsk, cryogenics now is Advani's only hope.

The Most Non-hypocritical Politician of the Year Award: I've been a TV news addict for years (yes, my life is incredibly dull and boring), and it's always irritated me when US wannabe presidents slobbered over their wives while on the campaign trail. 'Hypocrites!' is what I contemptuously thought (especially after the Bill-Monica revelation and now after the 'Bill and Hillary lurve each other to bits' media onslaught). In true I-was-born-to-be-a-White House-poodle form, the Brits followed suit (ho hum). But French President Nicolas Sarkozy made me sit up by announcing his divorce. Okay, I don't know the details of his divorce and I don't care! I'm just celebrating the fact that Sarkozy didn't give us the usual hand-on-heart-family-man vibes. Whew! What a breath of fresh air!