Headlines from Hell

Remember the time when the only TV news channel we had was Doordarshan? If we missed the English news bulletin, we'd arm ourselves with Sanskrit-to-Hindi dictionaries in a resigned manner and struggle to understand what was being said. There was speculation in my family that the newsreaders were originally Hindu priests who'd taken the bold decision to switch to modern careers. Heck, for all we knew, they could have been announcing wedding mantras in clipped accents! We've come a long way since then, but I'm not sure whether we're better off today.

While I concede that our current news channels are more sophisticated than Doordarshan (oh please, even a single-cell paramecium could do better), they score very high on the annoyance scale. Besides, they are shameless clones of each other. Like the line from a Pink Floyd song goes, 'Got thirteen channels of s*** on the TV to choose from.' Here's what they need to do to make me stop reaching for rotten eggs:

Ditch the hysteria: Nobody's told me this, but I strongly suspect Indian newsreaders are on illegal substances. I can't think of any other reason for their unusually hysterical behaviour. They don't speak like normal human beings; instead they yap excitedly like Pomeranians whose paws have been stepped on by adult elephants. Such a pity that we can't slap them hard — the best remedy for hysteria. 

Grow up: At least three times a day I hear newsreaders from different channels triumphantly crowing, 'We brought you this news first!' in a ridiculously childish way. OK, so you did. “Big deal”, is my rejoinder. You want me to give you a sweetie for just doing your job?

Be human: I have never understood why TV reporters invariably ask insensitive questions like, 'How do you feel?' to people who have, say, lost a family member in exceptionally tragic circumstances. What do they expect the distraught family members to say in response, really?  Are they likely to exultantly exclaim, 'Oh I feel on top of the world, never been happier, hated my dad anyway, and now I've come into my inheritance, hooray!' If ever (god forbid) tragedy befalls my family, and TV crews descend upon us like vultures, you can rest assured that you will witness a case of assault and battery live on your TV screen!

Stop obsessing over the monsoon: Ever since Mumbai's 2005 deluge, TV-wallahs have been suffering from obsessive-compulsive monsoon disorder. From July onwards, TV reporters tremble with excitement the minute they spot a cloud floating serenely in the skies, never mind if it's fluffy white or ominously grey. Camera crews are hastily booted outdoors to film news anchors standing like war heroes under dripping umbrellas. 'It's been raining for one full week now!!!!!' they excitedly bark in startled tones. Good heavens, are they not aware that it's supposed to rain for at least 3 months during the monsoon? Didn't they learn that at school?

Censor sensibly: The only gore we're willing to tolerate is Al Gore. We don't want to see mutilated bodies, blood-splattered streets or relatives sobbing heartbreakingly. Gory real life visuals make A-rated movies like Nightmare on Elm Street seem like popcorn fare.

Stop crying wolf: Only a congenital idiot would take the 'Breaking News' flash seriously these days. Nine out of ten times, it's just a euphemism for, 'Our ratings have dropped, please, please, please, oh please watch us!' Puhleez!  We do not wish to be harassed by Bollywood wedding guest lists and suchlike. Press the panic button only when the nation really has something to panic about!