What's in a name?

By Rupa Gulab 

While pondering deeply over the recent outbreak of violence in Mumbai, I've hit on a brilliant solution - for me actually, not you. I'm seriously contemplating changing my surname to Thackeray. Then no one in Maharashtra can touch me - not a soul - even if I do something spine-chillingly evil like kicking my neighbour's Lhasa Apso with a contemptuous sneer (hello, what sort of dog is that? Since when did Maharashtra have dogs like that?). Get real, if the grave Srikrishna report can't affect the Thackerays, there's no way a puny animal rights groups can take me to task. The powers that be will be too frightened to arrest me in case of violent reprisals (be warned, attacks on German Shepherds and Chihuahuas may follow), so I'll be covered for life, hoorah!
Like it or not, in Mumbai, the Thackeray Big B is way bigger than his Bollywood counterpart. And as we have just seen, even the lesser Thackeray, Raj, can make seasoned politicians tremble with fear. I must say I'm quite looking forward to inspiring shopkeepers to hastily down their shutters the moment they spot me frowning in the neighbourhood.
I have to confess that ever since I considered assuming the Thackeray name, I've been feeling affectionate towards the entire family, including Raj. Okay, so he said nasty things about Amitabh Bachchan - big deal, cinema reviewers have said worse, and anyway that's because Raj wasn't invited to his son's wedding, see? Any reasonable person will agree that throwing soda bottles at Bachchan's house (allegedly) was a normal human reaction - ah come on, we may have done it too if we'd been slighted in such a manner, innit? So, I'm going to protest (violently, of course) against all this nonsense about arresting him. You touch anyone with my family name, I break your face, goddit?
Let's be forgiving and rehabilitate him instead. Raj definitely has a bright future as a political leader - I say this with great authority, based entirely on the fact that he's the spitting image of Harry Potter - youth power will definitely be on his side. And since there's evidently not enough room for both Raj and his cousin in Maharashtra, our country is big enough (and big-hearted enough) to accommodate him elsewhere, right? Now, seeing that it's not safe to relocate him in the North or the South, how about making the son of Maharashtra rise in the East? Of course, we must ensure that his band of menacing men accompany him - just to make sure the poor dear's not lonely, no ulterior motives, promise.
I firmly believe that this move will be wonderful for India. What's the bet that a few weeks after he settles down in his new climes, our Raj will ominously expostulate, 'What is this Dragon Boat festival? Since when did Arunachal Pradesh celebrate the Dragon Boat festival?' And then, boy oh boy, the encroaching Chinese won't know what hit them! Is this a great plan or what? As a result of which he will receive national adulation, and better still, he will finally get the opportunity he's been eagerly waiting for: sneering 'Nyaah, nyaah, nyaah' to his favourite cousin.
But what the heck, why am I wasting time wittering on about other people when I too have a great future in Maharashtra with my soon-to-be new surname? I'm going to order a few people to get out of Mumbai too (hey, that's what us Thackerays do). So all you wet-blanket moral policemen out there (community/religion/sex no bar), pack your bags and go where you'll be appreciated instead. Like, say, Waziristan. Or else.