Doctor Bore

Tsk, Union Health Minister Dr A Ramadoss is beginning to sound like a stuck record. He has two pet issues that he foolishly believes will solve all the nation's health problems, and he passionately trots them out whenever he bumps into anyone from the media. I've listed them below in his personal order of importance.

1. The eradication of AIIMS Director Dr Venugopal (only because he is injurious to Ramadoss's ego).
2. A ban on the consumption of tobacco and alcohol by Bollywood stars in real and reel life (he virtuously says this is so impressionable fans won't emulate them, but come on, we all know the real reason: Ramadoss hopes to increase his presence on Google search by linking his name with theirs).
Oh well, since he seems to prefer dealing with mainly inconsequential issues, I've got a list of other things that may catch his fancy. I'm only doing this project because it bores me to tears to hear him churn out the same rubbish interview after interview.

Put warning signs in terribly dangerous places: Remember those gory visuals Ramadoss had lovingly created for cigarette packs to frighten smokers? He was so proud of them - indeed prouder than Michelangelo was of his Sistine Chapel masterpiece, which is why we got sneak previews of the visuals in the newspapers. Since the tobacco lobby callously shot down that proposal, Ramadoss can put them to good use elsewhere. The most appropriate place for them would be the exteriors of government offices, with the following spine-chilling message next to them: Interacting with government servants can cause cardiac arrest. I say this with bitterness after a recent visit to the passport office to get a simple renewal procedure done. My blood pressure rocketed sky high and I was sorely tempted to deliver Harbhajan Singh's favourite stroke on an insolent and indolent government servant's cheek.

Penalise airlines for not giving us sweeties voluntarily: Hey, I'm not being greedy, it's just that the act of swallowing helps relieve pressure on the ear-drums during take-off and landing. More importantly, this will stop toddlers from wailing non-stop during flights and that would improve the well-being of fellow passengers, wouldn't it?

Twist the BMC's arm: Ramadoss should bulldoze Mumbai's municipal corporation into ironing out bone-rattling potholes on the roads. Trust me, fewer people will suffer from spondylitis and sprained ankles thereafter and the city's orthopaedists can play more golf. It's a win-win situation.
Set up calligraphy classes for doctors: A national chain of handwriting classes for doctors is a must so we can figure out the names of the medicines sloppily squiggled on prescriptions instead of helplessly relying on guess - work by chemists. This is important - it could save lives!

Put a better cancer detection system in place: Since Ramadoss has made it patently clear to us in the past that he is not remotely interested in solving the mosquito menace, he should distribute leaflets that point out differences between the malarial bumps we sport all over our bodies and the odd malignant lumps that occasionally surface. This will help in the early detection of cancer, innit?
Organise more down-to-earth cataract-removal camps: Most previous efforts have been headed by doctors who have startled the public by performing miracles - turning people with blurred vision completely blind. Spare us the miracle men, provide real doctors instead.

Organise mental health camps: Not for the public this time, but for politicians who show disturbing signs of megalomania, communal hatred, etc. Once they're cured, what's the bet the public's health will improve vastly?

Now put that in your pipe and smoke it, Dr Ramadoss!