President Bush’s parting gifts

US President George W Bush has decided to give Americans a very expensive parting gift before he bids a fond farewell to the White House in January 2009: Osama bin Laden. The hunt for the Al Qaeda leader has been intensified, and I wish the super sleuths luck. They need it badly, considering that bin Laden isn't as obliging (or as cuddly) as the equally elusive Yeti - the man leaves no tell-tale footprints behind.
Call me a pessimist if you like, but the fact remains that they never found him before, and it's very unlikely that they will succeed now, particularly since they've publicly announced a fresh search. How stupid is that? A forewarned bin Laden is going to dig deeper into the ground - if he isn't there already in a cosy wooden box! My personal theory is that the baddie is living it up in Islamic terrorist paradise - and if not, he's probably living the American dream in a homely middle-class White suburb, seeing that no one would think of looking for him there! He may be crazy but he's not a fool, and I wouldn't be astonished if he's hired Michael Jackson's cosmetologists for a face job and skin-whitening procedures. Hey, perhaps he's switched to Marilyn Monroe's favourite hair colour too! But I could be wrong.
If the mission is successful, the rest of the world can exhale too. While it certainly won't signal the end of Islamic terrorism as we know it, there's a strong possibility that we'll all come out looking good. For starters, commercial airlines may relax their rigid (and terribly annoying) security rules a wee bit, and we may be permitted to carry vital perfumes, lipsticks and moisturisers in our hand-baggage again, yay! Better still, bin Laden would look much nicer on our TV screens too, post the capture, considering that Bush is a stickler for personal grooming. Remember how he generously provided a complete dental check up for Saddam Hussein, with superior de-lousing treatment and a fresh set of clothes thrown in as well? What a pleasant change that would be from the earlier video clips of the wild-eyed, unkempt bin Laden that were frequently but mysteriously couriered to the offices of Al Jazeera TV! And there's no doubt about the fact that it will certainly do wonders for Bush's image - perhaps we can grudgingly agree that he did at least one thing right.
Oh, and there may be another fantastic present in the offing too. Bush has also threatened to write his memoirs after he exits the White House. And as I scribble this, publishers must be aggressively pushing and shoving each other outside his front door in a bid to bag the contract. I don't blame them at all, for I'm willing to bet that his book will be a bigger best-seller than former president Bill Clinton's autobiography (My Life). Mainly because this book has the potential reach out to a far larger target audience and will probably be a part of academic bookshelves across the world. Okay, okay, not institutes of higher learning perhaps, but primary schools are bound to lap it up at any rate. I make this prediction based entirely on Bush's stunning IQ levels and elegant prose. This, I assume, is how it will go:
Run Saddam Run!
Run Osama run!
See Big Brother come,
See Big Brother come.
A mighty nice way to say goodbye, Mr. Bush. Memoirs or not, you can rest assured the world won't ever forget you. And consider this a warm farewell from me to you too, but never mistake it for au revoir!