Who’s next for PM?

The cash-for-votes spectacle during the trust vote has ensured that we really don't know whom to trust anymore - apart from the Speaker, Somnath Chatterjee, of course. Worse still, we now have two frighteningly determined contenders for the post of wannabe prime minister. I won't bother to toss a coin because neither work for me. You'd have to hold a gun to my head to gently persuade me to vote for the BJP's LK Advani. To my mind, his true calling is a charioteer in a Ram Leela. Face it - he's had much more practise at that! He's the reason why I can confidently trash Rhonda Byrnes' best-selling book on positive thinking, The Secret. It's no secret that Advani has been fantasising about becoming PM for years and years and years, but tsk, no luck yet. Sorry Rhonda, but facts must be faced.

As for UP Chief Minister Kalawati, oops, sorry, Mayawati, I'm willing to concede that she has tremendous potential to change India as we know it. A Dalit as prime minister is really what this country needs to make amends for centuries of shocking oppression and injustice. I get goosebumps just thinking of the possibilities. So, I closed my eyes and tried to visualise Mayawati delivering a tailored-for-India version of Martin Luther King Junior's stirring "I have a dream" speech: I have a dream that one day on the soil of India, the sons of Dalits and the sons of former Dalit oppressors will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

And then I opened my eyes feeling all warm and fuzzy inside when reality guffawed "Dream on, it's just a Mayajaal."  So yeah, Mayawati may well deliver an inspirational speech, but my gut feeling tells me that that's all we can expect her to deliver. She'll be more interested in competing with Shahrukh Khan in India's highest taxpayer list and adding to her vast diamond collection than bothering about the uplift of the masses. Heck, I'm willing to bet that the most important reason she cosied up to Prakash Karat is because she found his surname appealing.

As far as governance goes, with Mayawati at the helm, I'm fairly certain we'll have more statues than statutes. This may be a good thing, however. If we place her statues in fields, marauding birds may get fatal heart attacks. Our agricultural output is bound to improve drastically thereafter, and India alone may be responsible for bringing an end to the global food crisis. Airports would be another strategic location to place Mayawati's larger than life figures - bird hits will become a thing of the past, yay! Naturalists will be upset, though - the much-awaited and celebrated first cuckoo of spring will most likely squawk instead of sing.

However, despite all these positive attributes, Mayawati won't do for me at all. Incidentally, Rahul Gandhi won't get my support either, even though he delivered a rather charming speech during the trust vote that made India's pretty young things gasp and swoon. I know for a fact that many of them stopped dreaming about film stars and cricketers for one full day. He's still got a bit of growing up to do and a lot more Kalawatis to help first. So I'll stick to the good old tried and trusted Dr Manmohan Singh. He's been walking tall ever since he told Karat and gang to take a long walk off a short gangplank. But this I'll say - if Somnath Chatterjee ever decides to join the Congress, he's my man for prime minister. Sigh, now I'm gasping and swooning too!