Fundas on Fundamentalists

The government has had so many wake up calls of late and they did what I usually do when my alarm clock goes off: put it on snooze and sneakily slip into a deep slumber.  The recent terrorist attack in Delhi has rudely shaken them awake. They're finally out of bed and having animated discussions about beefing up intelligence and plugging loopholes in anti-terror laws while sipping their morning cuppa. And the sooner the better!

I can tell you what I'm going to do for the nation while the government is still at the planning stage: I'm giving my cat away and getting a Labrador instead - a trained sniffer dog at that! Our streets will be so much safer when I take him for his daily walkies. And I promise you, whenever we get security alerts, I'm going to give him gallons of water to drink - that way he'll be straining at the leash for frequent loo breaks and I'll be forced to conduct round-the-clock surveillance. I'm also going to report lacklustre security check personnel at malls and cinema halls to the authorities for not checking my bags properly. Earlier I used to believe that they waved me in after a cursory check because I looked sweet and innocent, but now my vanity has been replaced by cold harsh reality. Those disinterested sods would have let me in even if I'd worn an Osama bin Laden mask.

Look, I've had quite enough of that evil Indian Mujahideen terrorist who affectionately signs off his frequent hate emails to the country as Al Arbi. Pray what on earth does Al Arbi mean? The Yam? If he's really that smart, how come he didn't figure out that his alias makes him sound like a drop dead boring vegetable? This to me is irrefutable proof that he's mentally unstable. I can't wait for the day when our anti-terrorism squad turns him into yam jam.

Now let's see what our politicians can and should do to keep us alive. I have two heart-felt requests for all our political parties - yes, all of them. The first plea:  If you really want the bomb blast victims to get well soon, stop pestering them with hospital visits. I can tell you this - when I'm out of sorts, I'd much rather my mother was at my bedside squeezing my hand than the prime minister - despite the fact that I'm rather fond of him. Hey, suppose I get an urge to throw up - am I supposed to hold back out of respect? Wouldn't that make me feel infinitely worse? I'm willing to bet that the death count after national tragedies and calamities goes up after visits by politicians. Since it's just a token gesture anyway, it would be preferable if they stayed away and wore colourful heart shaped buttons that say "I care for humble citizens more than any other politician" instead. So much more considerate.

The second plea: Do concentrate on the anti-terror laws instead of digressing into puerile discussions on Union Home Minister Shivraj Patil's amazing talent as a quick change artiste. I'm glad Patil stood up for himself and indignantly said that changing his clothes thrice after the bomb blasts in Delhi was not a crime. Truth be told, his outfit changes made me feel that he's as human as the rest of us humble citizens. All ye astringent Shivraj Patil critics out there, have you considered this: perhaps he had to change his clothes repeatedly because he was terribly nervous and had a series of, um, accidents?  Or maybe he was just sweating profusely?

The only digression I'd dearly welcome is a discussion on equally strict laws to combat church-attacking Hindu fundamentalists. That is terrorism too, isn't it? If they're so upset that Hindus are converting because they're being made attractive offers, why can't they make better offers to retain them in the Hindu fold and be done with it?  Perhaps corporate India should hold workshops for them to show how it's done in a civilized manner.