Politically Rich

I'm wondering how come our parents wanted us to study hard and become doctors or engineers when we grew up. If they really dreamt of a prosperous future for us, they should have urged us to become politicians instead, isn't it? No educational qualifications required, no hard work, lots of power, and truck loads of money stuffed into mattresses and Swiss bank accounts- this of course, is apart from above-the-board salaries. Now that's the good life!

Better still, the recession hasn't affected this profession either. Take UP Chief Minister Mayawati for example- she's gloating about the fact that she received double the amount of birthday money this year. But did she throw a party to thank the people who had muddied and bloodied their hands to give her XXL envelopes (correction: make that XXL brief cases) packed with cash? No way Jose! The stingy woman refused to even give them a slice of her birthday cake.  Instead, she virtuously said that she was mourning the terrorist attack in Mumbai. Really? That didn't stop the queen of avarice from grabbing the birthday money, did it?  Her motto evidently is, ‘Why bother to serve the people anything- even cake, when you can help yourself?' Ooh, how I admire her!

So, fellow citizens, I think it's about time we switched to this lucrative profession too. Difficult admittedly (particularly if you're not a Bollywood star who can tolerate the Samajwadi Party's oily Amar Singh) but based on my research of Indian politicians, I've devised a four-step system that may help us get rich quick.  

Step 1: See a cosmetologist immediately for a skin transplant- insist on Rhino hide. Sure, PETA may not approve, but who cares? After the transplant, no amount of criticism will make you wince.

Step 2: Make new friends- local street hoodlums are the best. All you have to do is hang around patiently at street corners to spot them. Some will be picking pockets or snatching chains, others will be yelling ‘Hello darling, sweetie' to nubile lasses. Do slap them (affectionately on their backs, that is) and take them out for drinks (you can't invite them home, for heavens sake- remember your respectable middle class family is not used to socialising with petty criminals). Pretend to be deeply concerned about them, and give them glowing reference letters to hand over to your acquaintances and colleagues as candidates for drivers/cooks/security guards. Word will spread like wildfire among their cronies, and before you know it, you will have your very own protection force! Isn't that wonderful?

Step 3: (Not easy, but it must be done if you really, really want to make it big) Okay, here goes- to make yourself popular, you have to start a hate campaign and some people have to be killed. Hey, don't let your conscience annoy you: we're a nation of over one billion people, a little bit of culling won't matter, will it? Besides, we're mortals- we're going to die anyway eventually, so no big deal. Now that we've got ethics out of the way, let's think about who you can kill. Hmm- the Hindutva parties have already appropriated Muslim and Christian bashing, but don't worry, there are many more communities you can target, that's the joy of being a secular nation.  If you're located in Maharashtra, you must be aware that migrant bashing belongs to the Thackeray's and they get incensed when other people muscle in on their political plank. Remember, their gang of hoodlums is bigger than yours. Target another group and ensure that your hoodlums and their testosterone-enhanced friends burn buses and cars and kill a few people - that way you get your photograph in the papers, interviews on telly, and the big prize- seriously powerful politicians will make overtures to you- to widen their voter base, of course. Don't worry about getting arrested- with their help you'll be out in a shot, and better still, you'll emerge a hero. Your jail menu will hit the headlines of national dailies, and your wife will lovingly keep a scrap book on your exploits.

Step 4: Start wooing India Inc- some of the hot shots there evidently admire evil people and may warmly recommend you for the post of Prime Minister. Now you've really made it!