It’s now painfully clear: the BJP and AAP firmly believe that pouring tax-payers’ money into advertising and PR is the best way to govern the country, states, Union Territories, et cetera. I don’t know about you, but I flinch when I discover that crores of rupees are wasted on the silliest of ads and unnecessary PR initiatives. Since we cannot dissuade both these parties from engaging in this battle to win our fickle hearts and minds, how about we recommend a few ways they can cut costs?
I have giggled a lot this month, thanks to the NDA government. Here’s why:
Asanas for Asses:
Corruption charges that recently hit senior ministers of the BJP government have had most of us rolling on the floor with mirth. Particularly when External Affairs Minister Sushma Swaraj claimed that she helped Lalit Modi on humanitarian grounds. Hello, the BJP is not known to be remotely sympathetic to human beings—they’re more cowitarian than humanitarian. And Lalit Modi is not a holy cow, is he?
The acche din sarkar is just over a year old, hooray.
Last month Russia’s President Vladimir Putin, Congress Vice-President Rahul Gandhi and Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal were missing in action. And there was certainly a lot of action going around in the world, in India’s Parliament and Delhi, in particular, with vicious sting operations that made AAP volunteers yelp
That shrill and ridiculously jingoistic India against Corruption serial telecast live on TV a few years ago was brought to you by the RSS. The gameplan was simple: rip the Congress party into shreds. If you still don’t know this, you’ve been living under a rock and if you don’t get out soon enough you may turn into a fossil and be gawked at in museums until a nuclear war destroys the entire planet.
What do you do when you walk into seafood restaurant after restaurant and discover that the only fish available is flavourless basa? This has happened to me in Goa, Kolkata and Mumbai, when all I was dreaming of was local delicacies like hilsa, bhetki, pomfret and surmai. I screamed, shouted, sulked and then meekly settled for prawns, crabs or oysters instead but not basa—never! See, I’m not taking this lying down anymore. I have decided to become an activist—yeah, I’m going to fight for the rights of seafood-lovers.
- i want men to wear saris — particularly foolish men who say women can avoid rape by not wearing jeans. They must experience the joys of running in yards of flimsy fabric held together by a thin string. I’m thinking of getting starving Rottweilers to chase them. That should cure them of their foolish notions once and
There are a number of organisations that worry about the future of tigers in India. Even if some of the tigers are serial maneaters, our hearts bleed for this endangered species and we support the cause with a generosity of spirit. I sign petitions on issues that range from allowing Saudi women to drive to sacking a patriarchal High Court judge in India. It’s become a daily habit, like brushing my teeth. I must make it clear at the very outset that I do not sign every single petition that waits hopefully for me in my inbox.
I may lose the best cook I’ve ever had, and it’s all the BJP’s fault. Regina came to me this afternoon, looking all excited, and said she is planning to leave me.
Hello, there’s a statue in our budget! A very tall statue of an exceptionally tall Congress party leader: Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel, also known as The Man Who Wanted The RSS Banned After Mahatma Gandhi Was Assassinated. Now I’m wondering if the plaque on the statue will mention that, or better still, one of the many, many unflattering remarks Sardar Patel made about the RSS. Like this statement, for example: ‘The speeches of the Sangh leaders are poisonous. It is as a result of this venom that Mahatma Gandhi has been assassinated.
I regret to inform you that I cannot criticise the Dear Leader (even children are being arrested for creating anti-Modi crossword puzzles in college mags these days). Don’t worry, though.
The verdict is out. The BJP is set to govern the country for the next five years with a prime minister some of us are so frightened of that we’re toying with the idea of running away to other continents. I urge people not to leave in a hurry, though. Be patient—don’t forget BJP leader Giriraj Singh’s nasty threat of banishing critics to Pakistan. Let him pay for our one-way tickets! We’re aware that the BJP got big money from greedy corporate India for the elections, I’m sure they can part with some loose change.