I have never understood why many Indians believe that the West is the best. I know I’d die of a broken heart if I had to live away from this country for over a month. It’s not the food I’d miss (I could just as well cook it myself if push comes to shove), it’s the live entertainment that even the best comedy acts in the US and UK cannot match.
I’m so looking forward to the next general election. The fun has already begun, what with some UPA buddies running to the media whenever they’re disgruntled, and declaring that the election will take place this year itself. Here are a few people I’m going to be watching like a hawk.
Prime Minister Manmohan Singh: He’s not just raring to go — he’s roaring to go. If he continues this way, there may be a new slogan doing the rounds: “Singh is Lion King!”
Wanted: TV Reforms
We’ve been talking about police reforms, prison reforms, et cetera, for years now. Sadly, no one has ever mentioned TV news host reforms yet. We must acknowledge the fact that irresponsible TV hosts have a detrimental effect on India’s citizens too. Many of us have got shattered ear drums because of all that screaming, some of us are slowly going mad, and all of us have got dangerously high blood pressure. It’s just a matter of time before India’s TV host-related ailments become a serious project at the WHO.
7 am: Wrote a spot of poetry. It’s absolute rubbish, as always, but people will buy anything written by me. They adore me. Poetry apart, if I could publish all the fiction I order my state officials to write as statistics, I would instantly knock ChetanBhagat off the bestseller lists. Sweet boy, though. I love people who adore me.
I’ve been wondering all along why the BJP repeatedly disrupts proceedings in Parliament and forces adjournments. At first I thought it was because they’re plain lazy, or perhaps they’re just being spiteful to the nation because the majority of voters hadn’t thought them worthy enough to be in a position of power. But now, thanks to a thought-provoking speech by RSS chief Mohan Bhagwat, I have seen the light.
While I’m really looking forward to 2013 with my fingers tightly crossed and several good-luck charms like four-leaf clovers cluttering my bedside table, I think it’s worthwhile to also look back at 2012. What are the important things we learnt, and such like. So, here goes:
I don’t know about you, but I’m suffering from a debilitating case of scam fatigue. I sincerely hope and pray that 2013 will be a relatively cleaner year or else all my blood vessels may burst. Indeed, my resolution for the coming year is to think positive. So here are my positive thoughts on BJP party president Nitin Gadkari, also affectionately known as Bully Bunter.
None of my friends gasped with righteous indignation (better known as a classic Arnab Goswami moment) when Yann Martel, author of Man Booker Prize-winning novel Life of Pi, said recently, “In some ways, India is a horrible place. It’s corrupt, violent; there are inequalities that are disturbing. At the same time, the place gave us Mahatma Gandhi. It’s a place of idealism and corruption.” We clucked and shook our heads sadly instead — come on, it’s hard to disagree with him, isn’t it? And that got me thinking about literature.
I’m hugely glad that TMC chief Mamata Banerjee has parted ways with UPA 2 — though I must confess that I secretly believe they are the ones who eased her out of the alliance in their smooth ‘Ve haf our vays’ style! Theirs was a marriage made in hell, with Mamata Banerjee imperiously behaving as though she were prime minister of India instead of chief minister of West Bengal. I resent her for trying to foist her populist policies on the nation at large — hey, the rest of us didn’t vote for her, why should we be punished cruelly?
I must begin by congratulating all the fabulous Indians who shone at the Olympics. I have to throw in warm hugs for our two favourite women –Mary Kom and Saina Nehwal! Okay, so we didn’t do as wonderfully well as we had hoped we would, but on the brighter side, our sportspersons didn’t have to pay exorbitant excess baggage fees on their way back home. Also, we needn’t despair because India has so many people who are world-class at other more important things than sweaty sports. Take a look at just a few:
A few days before the Higgs boson aka God Particle experiment at CERN threw up exciting results and made the world cheer, I posted the following comment on Twitter: ‘Tsk, why are scientists looking for the God Particle in Switzerland? It’s here in India — ask any Indian mum who has a son.’
Before UPA II formally announced Union Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee as their presidential candidate, I was very worried. There was talk about producing not a cute rabbit but a dark horse out of a hat, and we know what happened the last time around: Pratibha Patil, for heaven’s sake! The only inspiration I’ve drawn from her is an idea for a book which I shall call Around the World on Taxpayers’ Money.