The Best World Class Open-Air Male Public Urinal in the World

The Great Indian Male Pisser is a great iconoclast. He doesn't even spare the gods

No dog litter allowed inside the apartment complex, so you can happily take the dogs on the pavement outside and he can shit all over. Who cares if people are walking on the same pavement, or a little tea shop has Metro-workers taking a break, or women are haggling with a veggie vendor. Dog shit in India, like all shit, is holy shit because anyway millions have no place to shit. Take an early morning touristy Shatabdi train to any destination, and there are rows of 'Indian People's Backsides' across the railway tracks, as the first sign of Great National Progress. You can shut your eyes but then you will have rows of filthy, rotting, fungus-ridden quagmires with dingy tenements where Indian citizens live next to the tracks, with women performing the first puja ritual of the day to the gods. Cleanliness is Godliness, is the writing on the wall; but for millions of women and toilet-less, homeless people of India, there is just no option, and none of them really cares two hoots for Slumdog Millionaire.

In Delhi (and elsewhere), the entire city is a public urinal, the open-to-sky kingdom of male pissers, who openly unzip and let out a fragrant stream of urinary decadence in every conceivable piece of time and space: outside schools, girls colleges, hospitals, eating joints, bus stops, even places of worship. Delhi has this unique arty exhibition of images of gods and goddesses decorated on the walls: to stop pan-stains and pissing. But the Great Indian Male Pisser is a great iconoclast. He doesn't even spare the gods.

And while women must hold on come what may, there is no class bias. Even those in fancy cars and SUVs love to do it in public: pissing, spitting, throwing wrappers, plastic, bottles, chips packets, out of the car window; bodily liquids, and non-biodegradables etc are for the world to share. Indeed, if Delhi becomes a 'world class city' during and after the Commonwealth Games, it should definitely win at least one gold unanimously: Delhi - The Best World Class Open-Air Male Public Urinal in the World.

As for the holy cow, which the Hindutva brigade worships, they are forever out on the streets and at garbage stations - their intestines clogged with plastic, polythene, glass, wrappers, crackers, barbed wires, electric switches, rusted pins, plywood, cardboard - all the remains of a great modern civilisation. That they die slowly, and extremely painfully, is the divine fate of the mother goddess. Fatedness of Karma. Typically, like the fate of the nation - from great patriotism to the garbage can of history, with clogged intestines.

This story is from the print issue of Hardnews: SEPTEMBER 2009