Bully Bunter

Published: Mon, 12/10/2012 - 07:36

I don’t know about you, but I’m suffering from a debilitating case of scam fatigue. I sincerely hope and pray that 2013 will be a relatively cleaner year or else all my blood vessels may burst. Indeed, my resolution for the coming year is to think positive. So here are my positive thoughts on BJP party president Nitin Gadkari, also affectionately known as Bully Bunter.

Clouds of smoke billowed from my ears when I heard that Gadkari had shamelessly helped himself to huge chunks of  land and gallons of  irrigation water from poor, helpless, suicidal farmers and set up large companies that he piously referred to as social enterprises. “Lying, cheating, good-for-nothing hypocrite,” is what I muttered darkly to myself. However, when the media gasped and informed the nation that Gadkari’s driver, liftman, peon, astrologer, breadwallah, chaiwallah, vada paowallah, bhelwallah, gannawallah, kulfiwallah, channa-singwallah, panipuriwallah and so on were made directors in his companies, I exhaled and calmed down. All is not lost, I thought.

Now here’s my not-so-evil plan to ensure that only good comes out of it: We must hire the best lawyers in the country as well as spin doctors (also known as PR chaps) to turn things around. The positive message that will go out to the public is that Gadkari’s heart is as Extra Extra Extra Large as the rest of his body.

Hello, why is a probe required when all that the legal system has to do is directly hand over the shares/profits of Gadkari’s businesses to the directors (i.e., the driver, liftman, peon, astrologer, breadwallah, chaiwallah, vada paowallah, bhelwallah, gannawallah, kulfiwallah, channa-singwallah, panipuriwallah and so on)

Step 1: The media must be stopped from making such a big hue and cry over this exposé and aggressively demanding a probe into the matter. Hello, why is a probe required when all that the legal system has to do is directly hand over the shares/profits of Gadkari’s businesses to the directors (i.e., the driver, liftman, peon, astrologer, breadwallah, chaiwallah, vada paowallah, bhelwallah, gannawallah, kulfiwallah, channa-singwallah, panipuriwallah and so on). Those documents have their signatures/thumb imprints on them which means that the money legally belongs to them, right? So what are we waiting for, legal eagles? Hand over the mega bucks to Gadkari’s domestic staff and tummy caterers right now! And, photographers, do stand by to click memorable snaps of Gadkari’s eyes brimming with tears as he watches his easy-earned money make at least a few members of the economically weaker section truly happy. Heck, if that’s done, I wouldn’t be surprised if future Miss India contestants enthusiastically cite Gadkari as their role model instead of Mother Teresa during the swimsuit round.

Note: This will lead to a win-win sitation. The poor will become rich and Gadkari’s tattered reputation will be put together with barely visible darning. However, I suspect that it will be very, very difficult to persuade Gadkari that his reputation is more important than his ill-gotten money. That’s the problem with most politicians. Their skins are thicker than rhino hide.

Step 2: Now for the icing on the cake. The smooth PR chaps must be brought in to inform the public that Purti, the name of one of Gadkari’s most talked-about companies (sorry, social enterprises), has been spelt wrong. They will gently explain that what Gadkari probably meant to call it was Purity, but, sadly, people who have been programmed in the saffron brigade wield swords with more dexterity than they wield pens.

Note: All those who have ever received hate mail from Hindutva weirdos on Twitter and Facebook and other social networking sites know what I mean about their lousy spellings.

Step 3: Force Gadkari (hire a Sumo wrestler to arm-twist him, if need be) to retire from active and passive
politics—yes, those high-waisted khaki RSS shorts that he loves dearly must be donated to a charity run by a minority (any minority) community. They can use them to mop floors. Thereafter, Gadkari must become a farmer. We must ensure that most of his land is stolen over time, as happens to real farmers in India, and that he has no access to water to irrigate his last acre. This way, we generously allow him to pay for the sins he commited in this lifetime in this life itself, instead of being reborn as a greedy locust—you have to agree that he’s more than halfway there. At the same time, India’s future generations will be spared devastating famines. Good plan, right? 

This story is from print issue of HardNews