Pissing Boy of Maharashtra
I’m so looking forward to the next general election. The fun has already begun, what with some UPA buddies running to the media whenever they’re disgruntled, and declaring that the election will take place this year itself. Here are a few people I’m going to be watching like a hawk.
Prime Minister Manmohan Singh: He’s not just raring to go — he’s roaring to go. If he continues this way, there may be a new slogan doing the rounds: “Singh is Lion King!”
The Pawars: I have to confess that I find NCP leader Sharad Pawar’s power/pawar games thrilling. He’s a crafty old man with friends in every party and he moves like a chess piece. He can never be dismissed as a lowly pawn, though! Things are going to be a little more interesting this time because of his crass, nephew Ajit Pawar, also known as the Pissing Boy of Maharashtra (oh, how I wish I could have said “Pissing Boy of Belgaum” instead — this is the only time I feel sorry that Belgaum isn’t part of Maharashtra) after his recent caustic comment about urinating in a dam to solve the problem of drought. Farmers are really angry with the Pawars this time. So angry that I wouldn’t be surprised if they put up signs on all the dams in Maharashtra saying,“Yahan pishab karna mana hai.”
LK Advani: I think it’s safe to assume that when very, very, very senior BJP leader LK Advani was a little boy he wanted to be prime minister instead of class monitor or fire engine driver. He hasn’t given up on his dream yet, despite being dismissed as an annoying pensioner by some members and loyal supporters of his own party. If Advani had hair on his head, he would probably threaten to shave it if Narendra Modi becomes PM — that’s how fuddy-duddy BJP members make their displeasure known, sigh. It looks like we’re going to see him regress further into childhood as he plays his favourite party game, musical chairs, with wannabe PM Modi. The game has officially begun and both are playing dirty. Sometimes, it’s hard to believe that they belong to the same party. Bring on the popcorn — sly revelations about each other are probably coming soon to a TV screen near you.
Nitish Kumar: While the chief minister of Bihar is dramatically ripping petals off a gigantic chrysanthemum, muttering, “I will stay with the NDA, I will not,” I urge the Congress party not to get excited. Something tells me that he’s actually rooting for Advani. I may be wrong, though, which is why I’m watching him very carefully. His moves promise to be way more intelligent than Psy’s ridiculous Gangnam-style moves.
The Twitterati: While TV news channels are still mounting their usual god-awful screaming matches, naively taking everything every politician says at face value, the real fun is on Twitter with the Feku (Modi) vs Pappu (Rahul Gandhi) war in full swing. The cyber warriors deliver gentle jibes, powerful punches and sometimes even patently false allegations. An extremely peculiar person called Madhu Kishwar went so far as to say that she got top secret information that plans were afoot to assassinate her beloved Modi. When questioned, she had no leg to stand on so she promptly deleted her tweet. The twitterati, however, never forget and currently Kishwar is regarded as an avatar of Bozo the clown — a decidedly more vicious avatar, admittedly.
Mamata Banerjee: It’s of no interest to me whether the mercurial chief minister of West Bengal holds hands with the UPA or NDA. While both may be wooing her, the honest truth is, they secretly dread dealing with her frequent fiery tantrums. However, it’s always vastly amusing watching Ms Banerjee at election time. Mainly because, when she runs for elections, it’s always on a treadmill. No pain, no electoral gain seems to be her motto. In the run-up to the West Bengal assembly elections, she had acquired a sylph-like figure, ditched the greasy hair oil and, we strongly suspect, got her hair blow dried as well. This may not have made her a better leader, but it’s certainly made her a more attractive one and I’m now wondering if her main rival in the near future won’t be a politician but a size zero filmstar.