WISH LIST FOR 2015

Rupa Gulab
  1. i want men to wear saris — particularly foolish men who say women can avoid rape by not wearing jeans. They must experience the joys of running in yards of flimsy fabric held together by a thin string. I’m thinking of getting starving Rottweilers to chase them. That should cure them of their foolish notions once and
    for all.
  2. No more grand statues. Please. Or pigeons will soon have fancier restrooms than human beings. I have a brilliant idea: how about actually investing all those crores we evidently have to spare (for statues and other non-essential thingies) in restrooms for Indian citizens instead? So much better than just making pretty speeches about sanitation, huh? And now I’m wondering why no one thought of this before!
  3. Which brings me to this: I want members of the ruling party to dust and sweep our homes. Not every single day, of course, but at least once during their term at the Centre. Only then will I be convinced that the Swachh Bharat campaign means more than a series of silly photo ops after long sessions with tailors, beauticians and bariatric surgeons. Dried leaves are nothing, darlings. Get real. Try damp tea leaves, egg shells, vegetable peel, et cetera.
  4. I want the Prime Minister to prove to doctors all over the world that an elephant’s head was attached to a human body by a plastic surgeon. Now that he’s said it on national television (and I’m sure the dear man is right), he must prove it and make our nation proud and NRIs delirious with joy. Where are the documents? What exactly was the procedure? Was Som Ras used as anaesthesia? More importantly, can we have the recipe for Som Ras, and does it taste better with freshly squeezed orange juice or a decoction of neem leaves?
  5. I want India Inc to stop meddling with national politics and sneakily trying to run the country — corporate heads should concentrate on running their own pathetic businesses instead, for God’s sake. Do they have any idea how annoyed we are at being put on hold for hours and being forced to listen to tinkly elevator music when we call their after-sales service departments? I predict this: the more India Inc messes with politics, the less of their dinky cars, salt, stinky gas, et cetera we will buy. Even if they start playing classic rock and heavy metal as on-hold music.
  6. I have one more wish for India Inc: Now that we’ve seen the enthusiasm with which they promote politicians, we hope they will show the same enthusiasm in promoting their own employees. Especially malik companies that function as (gasp) dynasties. Tsk.
  7. No more selfies. They are so old hat and yet our mediawallahs are still doing them — Geez! Next they’ll be using parrots and cards as political analysis tools. For all we know, the grinning jackasses are probably doing that already.
  8. On a more serious note, politicians who commit acts of brutality should be brutally kicked out of all political parties — and Parliament and the Cabinet. It’s not petty thieves that worry me that much — I’m just not comfortable with letting alleged rapists and murderers make laws for the nation. And hey, you can’t call me paranoid — for a change.

And finally, I want India’s plurality to be respected and celebrated. I want my share of mutton biryani, dhansak, tandoori chicken, fish vindaloo, rasam, et cetera. I’m sorry to say that after all the shocking statements I’ve heard in Parliament lately, I’ve gone off dhoklas and khandvi completely. Maybe I’ll enjoy them again a few years down the line, who knows? And if this is the only wish on my list that comes true, I hope 2015 will be a happy year for
Indian citizens.   

 

This story is from the print issue of Hardnews: JANUARY 2015