Published: March 10, 2015 - 15:49

That shrill and ridiculously jingoistic India against Corruption serial telecast live on TV a few years ago was brought to you by the RSS. The gameplan was simple: rip the Congress party into shreds. If you still don’t know this, you’ve been living under a rock and if you don’t get out soon enough you may turn into a fossil and be gawked at in museums until a nuclear war destroys the entire planet. Haven’t you ever wondered why many of the superstars of that idiotic soap opera (Baba Ramdev, Kiran Bedi, VK Singh and Shazia Ilmi) have joined the BJP or are its active supporters?

I’m not a huge fan of anti-corruption movements. The first vote I cast in my life was for VP Singh and I haven’t stopped kicking myself since. I also firmly believe that every single existing political party is corrupt  and that the longer they are in power the more corrupt they become. The only movement I would enthusiastically participate in would be an anti-communal movement. Particularly these days when hate speeches are the norm in Parliament, Assemblies, mainstream media, social media and even at pubs with friends. Things have come to such a state that if I criticise someone’s taste in clothes I’m ordered to go to Pakistan.

Arvind Kejriwal has turned into a sort of superhero for merely talking about the recent communal tension in Delhi— all those horrid unspontaneous riots and attacks on churches. He firmly says he will have none of it—and cheers to that! The Man Who Thought He Was King aka Mr. Flashy Monogrammed Suit now looks like putrid leftovers on a compost heap. He was so rattled by his party’s dismal performance in the Delhi elections that he was forced to break his deep and meaningful silence on communal tension and announce, “Religion is a personal choice.”  Yeah, right, ­­go tell the RSS that!

So, yes, I’m a huge, huge fan of Kejriwal’s latest and more inclusive avatar. In my head I see him walking around on a sandwich board with gigantic starbursts like we see on packs of detergent powder: ‘New! Improved! With Energetic Lime Zest for Squeaky Clean Governance! Plus Extra Extra Extra Strong Communal Germ-Killing Powers! Free Electricity! Free Water! Free Wi-Fi! Bribe-free Environment!’

I can add to that: Mufflerman is a cross between Batman and Harry Potter playing quidditch. Delhi is the new Gotham City. A dinky car will probably be the new Batmobile. Hip, hip, hooray! As caring fans, we should protect our Mufflerman. We must make sure he never makes a fool of himself like Mr. Monogrammed Suit. So let’s start by stopping him from singing in public. Look, he can’t sing to save a fruit fly—no, really, he can’t. He loves singing, though (sigh), and jumps at every opportunity to do so. Here’s what we can do: take a tip from those fabulous Asterix comics and gag him like they gagged Cacofonix every time he picked up his lyre. Sure, we can allow Kejriwal to play antakshari with his friends in private, though.

And no hero worship, okay? I’ve had it up to here with temples for politicians. He’s got five years to prove himself, so ­­let’s see how he performs before we start singing bhajans. Let’s take a vow not to turn into those ugly, monstrous trolls and bhakts the BJP is packed with. And, please, let’s never get carried away. Here is a flaw to remember every time you get an overpowering urge to get down on your knees and pray to Kejriwal: he’s a hypochondriac who never fails to give us vivid details of his phlegm, bowel movements, diabetes, paper cuts on fingers, etc., etc. If he really were God, he could cure his ailments himself, right?  


This story is from print issue of HardNews