Outstanding lunacy

Rupa Gulab

The shockingly uncultured Union Minister of Culture, Mahesh Sharma, has had what some in the media call a brainwave. To the rest of us, though, it sounds more like a short circuit of that walnut-sized organ in his skull that is an apology for a human brain. He has decided to grade artistes and writers into three categories: Outstanding, Promising and Waiting. The Outstanding and Promising lot will officially represent India at events, while the Waiting will wait for a change in government, I assume. I am pretty certain there’s a secret fourth category titled ‘Ignoring’. This includes minorities and annoyed Hindus who abhor the idea of divisive Hindutva.

After being exposed to Sharma’s frequent idiotic and bigoted remarks, the nation now has a fair idea how his tiny mind works.  I think we can safely work out what exactly he means by Outstanding, Promising and Waiting. Here’s my theory (and I’m sure a lot of Indians will agree with me):

Outstanding (according to Sharma):

1.    Male artistes/writers who went to RSS shakhas, wore khaki shorts and wielded lathis and tridents. Possibly have had bariatric surgery, taking advantage of the bulk discount to Sangh Parivaar members. The female of the species worship the RSS but sadly cannot not join The Great Hindu Bigot Brigade because (a) they are women, and (b) cannot not wear shorts because it would expose their legs and make them seem naked and vulgar in the eyes of the Rabid Protectors of Ancient Indian Culture aka the RSS.

2.    These artistes/writers must have praised the RSS, BJP and the Dear Leader in public. Maybe made films on the Dear Leader, composed songs/poems for him and written gushy books /articles on him. They are very angry with Award Wapsi artistes and writers and take every opportunity to sneer at them, preferably when cameras are rolling.

3.    They all have the unique ability to crawl for miles in any terrain. In a race with snakes and worms, they would make the creepy crawlies huff, puff and struggle to keep up.

4.    They follow the Dear Leader on Twitter and are followed by him too.

5.    Buy and endorse Baba Ramdev’s products even though Baba Ramdev could not cure himself of high blood pressure when he went on a brief three-day fast.

 

Promising (according to Sharma):

1.    Artistes/writers who never were members of the RSS but yearn desperately for recognition and awards that they are willing to sell their souls to the devil (read RSS/BJP) in pure opportunist fashion.

2.    Are learning to crawl like worms and snakes and show tremendous potential. No, they have not beaten creepy crawlies in races yet but are working on it much, much harder than they work on their craft.

3.    Have started to jeer at the Award Wapsi lot, and follow Anupam Kher on Twitter for valuable tips.

4.    Do not need bariatric surgery yet, but once they beat the creepy crawlies and get huge honorariums, they certainly will be eligible for the bulk discount.

5.    Have started to buy Baba Ramdev products, despite allegations about queasy stuff in some of them.

Waiting (according to Sharma):

1.    Artistes/writers who have never praised the RSS, BJP or the Dear Leader and are too busy practising their art to give a damn about politics.

2.    They have tremendous talent in their respective fields but lack that one most important quality in the eyes of the Modi Sarkar: a flair for sycophancy.

3.    Their first instinct when they see a creepy crawly is to scream and run for the nearest can of pest control spray. 

4.    Cannot afford to buy Baba Ramdev products. Even if they could, they are queasy about them and never would.

5.    Will never need bariatric surgery. Will probably die penniless and starving in the gutters.

 

This story is from the print issue of Hardnews: AUGUST 2016