Hello, there’s a statue in our budget! A very tall statue of an exceptionally tall Congress party leader: Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel, also known as The Man Who Wanted The RSS Banned After Mahatma Gandhi Was Assassinated. Now I’m wondering if the plaque on the statue will mention that, or better still, one of the many, many unflattering remarks Sardar Patel made about the RSS. Like this statement, for example: ‘The speeches of the Sangh leaders are poisonous. It is as a result of this venom that Mahatma Gandhi has been assassinated.
Angst in My Pants
I regret to inform you that I cannot criticise the Dear Leader (even children are being arrested for creating anti-Modi crossword puzzles in college mags these days). Don’t worry, though.
The verdict is out. The BJP is set to govern the country for the next five years with a prime minister some of us are so frightened of that we’re toying with the idea of running away to other continents. I urge people not to leave in a hurry, though. Be patient—don’t forget BJP leader Giriraj Singh’s nasty threat of banishing critics to Pakistan. Let him pay for our one-way tickets! We’re aware that the BJP got big money from greedy corporate India for the elections, I’m sure they can part with some loose change.
Taking a tip from some very, very senior and highly respected journalists and some very, very senior but not as highly respected news anchors, I have decided to write nice things about NarendraModi from now onwards — just in case he does become Prime Minister of India (gulp). I still have Amitbhai Shah’s Muzaffarnagar speech about revenge being the only answer ringing in my ears — I can’t ever forget that Amitbhai is Modi’s hatchet-wielding right-hand man.
I ’ve been searching very hard, but I haven’t caught sight of the alleged Modi wave yet. Which is why I still don’t have a clue just who India’s next Prime Minister will be.
It’s not difficult at all to be a politician in India these days. Anyone can do it. Just follow these tips, and you will do just fine:
Use every opportunity to talk about your humble/middle class/tragic background
The nation has finally discovered that AAP stands for Alphonso Aadmi Party – there’s absolutely nothing aam about some of its ministers: Law Minister Somnath Bharti, in particular, attacking and publically humiliating African women because their prudish neighbours made shocking remarks about them (these people are not like us, they wear short skirts, their food smells, they are drug addicts and sex workers, and so on) is just not done. Particularly after the Delhi Police refused to make arrests without a warrant.
When it comes to Arvind Kejriwal, I’m not a fan. I never have been, and most likely never will be.
This was the most entertaining year ever – so many of our politicians made us laugh till our sides ached.
I’m not thinking about global warming and rising sea levels these days. I’m more concerned about the rising levels of noise pollution in the run-up to the 2014 general election.