Angst in My Pants

A peek into Advani’s diary

Not going to Goa.  I am sick — of Modi. Refuse to stand beside Rajnath as he declares that upstart Campaign Committee Chief (CCC) of my beloved party. Tried to get Gadkari on my side but he refused. He’s still sulking with me because I ruined his chances of being PM. Come on, as if Fatso will be able to fit into the PM’s chair!

***

Called the press and informed them I am indisposed — the nation must know when a great leader sneezes. Uma has called in sick too, and Yashwant has made a cheap excuse — rats ate the engine of the plane he was booked on, or some such rubbish.

The Great Indian Comedy Circus

I have never understood why many Indians believe that the West is the best. I know I’d die of a broken heart if I had to live away from this country for over a month. It’s not the food I’d miss (I could just as well cook it myself if push comes to shove), it’s the live entertainment that even the best comedy acts in the US and UK cannot match.

Pissing Boy of Maharashtra

I’m so looking forward to the next general election. The fun has already begun, what with some UPA buddies running to the media whenever they’re disgruntled, and declaring that the election will take place this year itself. Here are a few people I’m going to be watching like a hawk. 

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh: He’s not just raring to go — he’s roaring to go. If he continues this way, there may be a new slogan doing the rounds:  “Singh is Lion King!” 

Wanted: TV Reforms

Wanted: TV Reforms

We’ve been talking about police reforms, prison reforms, et cetera, for years now. Sadly, no one has ever mentioned TV news host reforms yet. We must acknowledge the fact that irresponsible TV hosts have a detrimental effect on India’s citizens too. Many of us have got shattered ear drums because of all that screaming, some of us are slowly going mad, and all of us have got dangerously high blood pressure. It’s just a matter of time before India’s TV host-related ailments become a serious project at the WHO.

A day in the life of Narendra Modi

7 am: Wrote a spot of poetry. It’s absolute rubbish, as always, but people will buy anything written by me. They adore me. Poetry apart, if I could publish all the fiction I order my state officials to write as statistics, I would instantly knock ChetanBhagat off the bestseller lists. Sweet boy, though. I love people who adore me.

The party that won’t let women party

I’ve been wondering all along why the BJP repeatedly disrupts proceedings in Parliament and forces adjournments. At first I thought it was because they’re plain lazy, or perhaps they’re just being spiteful to the nation because the majority of voters hadn’t thought them worthy enough to be in a position of power.  But now, thanks to a thought-provoking speech by RSS chief Mohan Bhagwat, I have seen the light.

Looking back at 2012

While I’m really looking forward to 2013 with my fingers tightly crossed and several good-luck charms like four-leaf clovers cluttering my bedside table, I think it’s worthwhile to also look back at 2012. What are the important things we learnt, and such like. So, here goes:

 

Bully Bunter

I don’t know about you, but I’m suffering from a debilitating case of scam fatigue. I sincerely hope and pray that 2013 will be a relatively cleaner year or else all my blood vessels may burst. Indeed, my resolution for the coming year is to think positive. So here are my positive thoughts on BJP party president Nitin Gadkari, also affectionately known as Bully Bunter.

Plots for the Picking, Writers!

None of my friends gasped with righteous indignation (better known as a classic Arnab Goswami moment) when Yann Martel, author of Man Booker Prize-winning novel Life of Pi, said recently, “In some ways, India is a horrible place. It’s corrupt, violent; there are inequalities that are disturbing. At the same time, the place gave us Mahatma Gandhi. It’s a place of idealism and corruption.” We clucked and shook our heads sadly instead — come on, it’s hard to disagree with him, isn’t it?  And that got me thinking about literature.

Two divorces & much laughter

I’m hugely glad that TMC chief Mamata Banerjee has parted ways with UPA 2 — though I must confess that I secretly believe they are the ones who eased her out of the alliance in their smooth ‘Ve haf our vays’ style! Theirs was a marriage made in hell, with Mamata Banerjee imperiously behaving as though she were prime minister of India instead of chief minister of West Bengal. I resent her for trying to foist her populist policies on the nation at large — hey, the rest of us didn’t vote for her, why should we be punished cruelly?