Fasting and Feasting

Published: Tue, 05/03/2011 - 10:43 Updated: Tue, 05/03/2011 - 10:47

I supported India against Corruption. The cause, not the people behind it. Frankly, I don't care if Anna Hazare is Mahatma Gandhi's twin separated at birth or a media-savvy professional faster who is aching to make it to the Guinness Book of World Records. I'm not looking for a hero. I'm just so tired of having my osteoarthritis-afflicted arms twisted by greedy government officials who demand bribes to do a job they're already getting a salary for. So yeah, no matter how many cynics trash the movement, I'm still in. Despite the fact that they sneer it will not bring an end to corruption. Perhaps it won't, but I'm willing to give anything a shot to make corrupt politicians and bureaucrats do the jailhouse rock, so there! 

What was interesting was how celebs enthusiastically jumped into it. Aamir Khan (aka Bollywood's annoying Arnab Goswami) dashed off a letter to the prime minister and got lots of air time for it. Soon enough, a few more stars, writers, poets, musicians, documentary film makers etc virtuously jumped into the fray for deliciously free PR. As far as I know, none of them joined the fast. They were way too busy promoting their own talent - films/poems/songs/tattoos dedicated to the movement. But suppose, just suppose, a desperate B-list Bollywood actress had decided to fast as well? This is what her secret diary would probably read like:

Day 1:  Some decrepit old man called Anna Hazare is on a fast for something or the other. Like, who cares? I'm on a fast too - well, a crash diet - and I haven't set up a Facebook group to announce it. Some people will do anything for publicity - bah!***

OMG, Aamir Khan is supporting this Anna man. Must sign up asap so Aamir notices me and gives me a role in one of his tedious 16-hour films. I can depend upon him to tie Oscar jury members to their chairs and make them watch the film, and maybe I can be a Hollywood star after all, since Bollywood is not interested in me. Still haven't forgiven Karan Johar for not inviting me to his stupid show!***
Damn. Too many other Bollywood stars have signed up. Have to do something to stand out from the crowd. Agent says I must join Anna at Jantar Mantar and announce to the media that I am on a fast as well. Reluctantly gave in when agent assured me I'd generate enough publicity to get film offers - enough to buy my own IPL team and rub shoulders with Nita Ambani. Off to Delhi!

Day 2: The cameras are on me, yay!***
It's unbelievably hot! My foundation and sunscreen (SPF 50+) are leaking, my scalp is itchy, and my hair is so greasy I look like I'm starring in a horror flick! Asked one of the activists for water and she snapped at me. No water is permitted on the fast. Eek - how on earth do I hydrate my skin? The same stern activist offered me a replica of Anna's cap to ward off the sun. Nothing will induce me to wear anything as ugly as that! Packed agent off to buy me a sexy wide-brimmed hat from the nearest Dior showroom. ***

Back in my lovely air-conditioned hotel at night, whew. Agent took one look at me, shuddered and packed me off to the spa for a restorative fruit facial. Some of the juice trickled to my lips and I couldn't help licking it off. Ambrosia. Then took two sleeping tablets. Had to chew them since am not allowed water. Gargled with chilled mineral water after brushing teeth at night. Accidentally swallowed half the water in the bottle - my hand slipped. 

Day 3: Agent tried to drag me out of bed for another horrible day at Jantar Mantar, but I refused to get up. Am stopping this idiotic fast - have lost my lovely glow but not one ounce of weight - fat chance anyone will hire me to even play a grandmother! Told agent to write a letter to the PM on my behalf instead and send copies to the media. That Aamir Khan is real smart.