A peek into Advani’s diary

Rupa Gulab

Not going to Goa.  I am sick — of Modi. Refuse to stand beside Rajnath as he declares that upstart Campaign Committee Chief (CCC) of my beloved party. Tried to get Gadkari on my side but he refused. He’s still sulking with me because I ruined his chances of being PM. Come on, as if Fatso will be able to fit into the PM’s chair!

***

Called the press and informed them I am indisposed — the nation must know when a great leader sneezes. Uma has called in sick too, and Yashwant has made a cheap excuse — rats ate the engine of the plane he was booked on, or some such rubbish.

***

Waiting for reports from Sushma. Urged her to wear an international female spy outfit but she refused. Said that she’s a good Bharatiya nari and cannot bring herself to wear vulgar clothes. She feels more comfortable in her sari and her husband’s oversized jacket to protect her modesty.

***

Darling daughter Pratibha has got DVDs of the latest Bollywood flicks for me, but I’d much rather watch the news on TV. Rajnath’s now telling the media that I will be in Goa tomorrow. Like hell I will.

***

Woke up this morning to terrific headlines: the press says we have NaMonia! Had tried very hard to tell citizens the truth: Modi is not a great chief minister, and that Gujarat was already a developed state before he came to power, but that annoying Rajnath did damage control. He quickly told the media that they misunderstood what I said. Don’t trust Rajnath. Am dead sure that he wants to become PM as well.  As for Modi, he’s only fit to be Crime Minister. Kicking myself for not listening to Vajpayee when he wanted to sack Modi after the 2002 riots. I was young (only in my seventies) and foolish.

***

Help! My wife has just informed me that there’s a bunch of unruly protesters outside my house. Peered out from the windows with binocs (my eyesight isn’t what it used to be). They are carrying placards saying that they belong to Modi’s army. Omigod, only dictators have armies! I think Modi’s boys are trying to scare me into having a heart attack, but I am strong. I will only get a heart attack if I do not become PM.

***

Can’t sleep. Fretting and fuming over how dumb Modi is. He plans to erect a statue of Sardar Patel in Gujarat: does that moron have no idea that Sardar Patel was a Congress leader who passionately hated the RSS? I can’t believe the RSS is letting him get away with it, considering that they still haven’t forgiven me for praising Jinnah years ago.

***

Woke up with a fab idea to get back at Modi: I will stop pretending to be sick — I will pretend to be sickular instead! Wrote about fascists like Hitler and Mussolini going to hell in my blog — and added some tragic Mahabharat episode that’s bound to make people weep. The nation must know that Modi is bad for them. They’ve already forgotten that I was terrible too in my rath days, ha ha. Have told wife to get my saffron knickers dyed green.

***

Rajnath has gone against my wishes and made Modi CCC. How dare they? Sushma looked downcast (there goes her chance of being PM if I kick the bucket during my term as PM), but Jaitley was beaming. I know why: that sneaky guy hopes he can become PM, copying the Vajpayee-Advani formula: PM = Dove, Dep PM = Hawk. He’s sucking up to hawkish Modi now so he can eventually be his dove/boss.

***

Modi has been exposed as a liar! He says we spoke on the phone and I gave him my blessings. Rot. I did nothing of the sort. I hope the nation has taken note of this.

***

I have resigned. Do not have time to update my diary because everyone in the party keeps dropping in to persuade me to stay on. Even that sneaky Jaitley. Will these people never leave? I need privacy to work out my anti-Modi strategy with Nitish and the JD (U) chaps.

***

Bhagwan Bhagwat has asked me to stay. I cannot refuse — I am a true RSS soldier. I have withdrawn my resignation. But the damage is done to Modi, yippee!  

This story is from the print issue of Hardnews: JULY 2013