Beam me AAP

Published: Thu, 02/06/2014 - 08:51

The nation has finally discovered that AAP stands for Alphonso Aadmi Party – there’s absolutely nothing aam about some of its ministers: Law Minister Somnath Bharti, in particular, attacking and publically humiliating African women because their prudish neighbours made shocking remarks about them (these people are not like us, they wear short skirts, their food smells, they are drug addicts and sex workers, and so on) is just not done. Particularly after the Delhi Police refused to make arrests without a warrant.

More surprising yet is Arvind Kejriwal’s reaction. The nation gave him a chance. We patiently waited for him to stop coughing, and when he finally did speak, he declared that there was nothing wrong about Bharti’s racist act. This made most of us cough like him and splutter with indignation too. Evidently, there are some things they don’t teach you at IIT: How Not To Be Racist. I say this because another chief minister who studied there condoned his party members making racist remarks about Africans as well. It completely slipped their tiny minds that white-skinned Russians are drug dealers too! Goa’s BJP CM Manohar Parrikar came out of that looking like a true blue member of the bigoted
Sangh Parivar.

But back to Kejriwal. I personally believe his sore throat will never go away, considering that he’s always screaming till he’s hoarse about AAP’s intentions being good. All the cough syrup in the world cannot cure him. And, hello, if his intentions really were good, he would toss Bharti into a garbage bin along with his used tissues. AAP’s particular brand of vigilantism is perhaps one of the ugliest parts of its DNA. To give power to small, regressive minds is dangerous. I’m no Nostradamus, but I expect AAP will receive many letters like the one I’ve drafted below: 

Dear Arvindji,

There is a single working ladies living in rented flat in our mohalla. She is saying she is doing works in advertising company, but I am thinking she is sex worker. Arrey bhai, good girls from decent families only work for Gaurmint of India and as KG class school teachers, haina?

Plus, this girl is coming home very late — once she is coming home same time as doodhwalla, hai rabba! I was so shocked, I even forgot to tell doodhwalla to give me three extra bottles of milk because we are having guests — whole family from Bilaspur is here and husband has rented Bollywood DVDs for their entertainment. Full day we are watching movies and doing jhatak-matak dancing to Munni Badnaam Hui and Sheila Ki Jawaani, so much maza, hai! I am knowing you are also enjoying Bollywood movies — you told to Rajdeep in TV interview, na? You are just like us, same to same! That is why only I am telling to you my mohalla’s problems.

Husband is telling to me that we must keep stern watch on this girl — on Friday and Saturday nights she is going out with different, different boys and because of her bad ways, real estate prices are falling in the neighbourhood. One day, my son Sweety followed this loose morals girl on his scooter — she is going to bar and drinking and smoking with many men! 

Last week, husband even bought made-in-China binoculars from Palika Bazaar to check her movements. He and Sweety spend hours on balcony with binoculars. Sometimes they are even fighting over the binoculars like naughty children. My husband is telling to Sweety, “You go to your wife, na — you still have to give us grandson, only three dark-skinned girls you have produced — all my pension is going on Fair & Lovely cream,” but Sweety is telling to him, “Papa, you go to bed. That girl is wearing such short, short skirts and shameless sleeveless blouses with leopard-print bra strap showing, you will get heart attack and die.”

First only, we are thinking that when Modiji becomes nation’s prime minster, we will ask him and Amit Shahji to get the anti-terror squad to stalk this shameless girl. How cleverly he followed that girl in Ahmedabad and Bangalore because her papa told him to? Such a sweet man, na?

But now after Somnathji became hero in Khirki Extension, we are thinking you are best man to tell our problems to. Please throw this characterless girl into jail. And come to our house — I will prepare gaajar ka halwa for you, my grandmother special recipe!

God bless,

Pummi Aunty

This story is from print issue of HardNews